I am brutally honest at times. Today is one of those times.
Our agency, Holt International has a magazine that they send out. I read an article in their most recent on (Mar/Apr 2013) titled "A Different Kind of "Mother's Day" Story" and it really struck home. I thought "wow, this is SO me" and I think it's time to share a bit of what's been going on in my life and in the Turner home these past two months.
While in Ethiopia, we all had an excitement about what was going on. The language barrier was...um HUGE. When we would attempt to read an Amharic phrase from our little book, we got a blank look most of the time. Not sure if it was because he did not know those words or if we were just saying it really badly! Thankfully, there was almost always someone to translate for us.
Once we got home....
If you read (or are now going to read) the said article, you may think I am copying her a bit, I am not, our experience really is that similar. We read countless books on adoption and the coping and grief and attachment issues that go along with it...BUT it was always about the child. We expected temper tantrums and were told to have "time ins" and to hug the child to reassure them we love them. OK, how about sulking because we made a slight correction or said "no"? And I mean sulking and jerking his head away if we attempted eye contact...for hours. So we tried a "time in" and hugging...oh wait, THAT'S where the temper tantrums come in! Have you ever tried to hug a 5 year old to comfort them and they flailed their arms and legs and screamed so loud and shrill that it hurt your ears? I have. Have you ever been rejected by someone that you tried SO hard to have in your life for SO long? I have. For "those that know", you're saying "he's grieving". That doesn't help a hurting heart that just wants to love and to be loved.
After about a week home while having dinner, we had what we call "an episode". While in Ethiopia, we were served mixed vegetables and he ate them up. So, when I went grocery shopping, I purchased mixed vegetables thinking he would love them. I also bought sweet potatoes and he drooled over them all week. So, we're sitting to dinner and he has some steak and a sweet potato on his plate. He is diving into the potato. I place a spoonful of mixed veggies on his plate and he protests. I say "just try" but soon realize that he doesn't understand that and said he didn't have to eat them (which he also did not understand)...but it was too late. He pushes his plate away. I flip out. I'm hurt because I bought them just for him and in my exhausted mind, his rejection of the veggies is his rejection of me. I yelled "fine! I'll take them off" and I took them off. But he was already crying. Chris tried to comfort him while I went into the kitchen, out of sight to sob uncontrollably. He would not be comforted. He went to bed with only a few bites of sweet potato.
We were still trying to co-sleep at that time...which means one of us sleeps in his bed while the other sleeps in our bed with him (due to his aerobatic sleeping). I volunteered to sleep in his bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning terribly sad and didn't quite know why. E was in a fantastic mood. I couldn't look at him without tearing up. I felt a horrible guilt. I kept thinking that I was not supposed to be his Mama. I turned on the TV so we wouldn't have to look at each other. Like I said, he was in a great mood, he snuggled up next to me in the chair. I wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep away the next few years. I finally fell asleep for about 20 minutes and when I woke up, I felt great. This happened off and on for the next couple of weeks. There was even a time when I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed after letting in the dogs with muddy feet.
I was not me. He wasn't letting me be his Mama. We simply co-existed. Once, he opened the garage door and was just hanging out in the driveway to "run away" from me. When I discovered this I became furious because he did not realize how dangerous it can be and I wanted to keep him safe...yet once inside, I wanted to throw him out the window and let someone else care for him. This was not the first time he had "run away" from me but it was the first time it was from the house. I had been on a roller coaster of emotions for the months leading up to getting him and I just wanted off! I did not even realize that I had only been on the kiddie coaster.
It's hard to gather my thoughts on this subject.
All of the books talked about how it can be difficult for a child to attach to new parents because they have been "passed around" for so long leading up to placement. The books didn't say anything about how parents will have trouble attaching to the child, especially an older child. Love at first sight does not exist. It is so very difficult to love a child that does not love you back. To love a child that does not let you comfort him, or hold him, or even play with him. I would force play with him, and while he seemed to be having fun, I felt like I was putting on a show and faking my enjoyment.
I had to force myself to engage with him. To give hugs and kisses. To play. To talk to. To do more than co-exist. I had to forgive myself each and every time I lost my temper or had thoughts of "maybe he would have been better off with someone else" or "OH GOD WHAT DID YOU LET ME DO?!". That self forgiveness (combined with a mild sleep aid from the Dr) brought so much joy to our home.
As my parents can attest, I am extremely stubborn. I believe God made me stubborn for so many reasons. You have to be stubborn to stay and thrive in a military marriage. You have to be stubborn to stick it out through a three year adoption process. And, Ephraim is really stubborn....but not as stubborn as me. He will wear his seat belt. He will not bite, kick, pinch, hit or spit at me while I make him strap in and stay strapped in (even if he didn't get his way and get the orange colored energy drink can).
Now, our home is full of giggles and singing and lots of booty shaking. Sure there are still some fits and crying and screaming but at least it's all him and not me! While I know it is petty, my heart lights up when he says "Thank you Mama" when I cook him dinner. Or when I tell him we have a soccer game later and he says "YES! YES!" and gives me a hug. Of course I do not expect it to last long but I love that he appreciates ME. He loves giving hugs and lots of kisses. The open expression of his love for me is helping me love him more and more each day. His ever expanding understanding of English is a huge factor in all of this. Most of the tantrums were over misunderstanding. While I cannot say we are "there" yet, we are feeling more and more like Mama and son.
I am feeling more like myself. I don't feel
