I had a friend ask me to post on here things we need for Esther since we were completely blindsided and NOT prepared! So if you have any extras lying around, hit me up! A few things to keep in mind: It's a holiday weekend with no mail service. We are leaving no later than the 12th. So, if you are wanting to send stuff for us to take on the trip, we might get it in time! We have someone staying with our dogs, so he can bring boxes in.
Until a few weeks ago, we were hopeful for a one trip stay but were being told that it would still be two trips. Like with Ephraim, we planned on getting her room ready and buying clothes between trips. HA!
So, she will be sleeping on Ephraim's trundle bed (thank God we bought that thing) until we can get her room set up. Her bedroom furniture is in the works, just not purchased right now, priorities right? Plane tickets before dresser...not that her dresser is as much as a plane ticket! :D I did score a car seat on clearance yesterday. ;)
I've been scrounging around trying to get clothes that we can take with us. It's the beginning of the rainy season and pants are hard to find right now. I found some long sleeve shirts in a donation bag leftover from the yard sale. I only have 2 pairs of pants and 2-3 pairs of shorts and one dress. Yikes, I know!! I'll be going to Walmart soon to see what I can find. As long as I have enough for the trip, I'm good. We can do laundry there.
So things we need are:
3T clothes (stretchy ones, she's hefty). Shirts, dresses, pants, shorts, PJ's, socks...
Shoes....what size does a chunky 3 year old wear? She's nearly 3 feet tall.
Diapers for a 35-40lb kiddo
A booster seat for at the table
Some tough baby gates that will withstand our little linebacker princess. We have 0 time to rearrange things or anything! Not to mention the set of stairs right in the middle of the house....
Some of these bibs, available in store only....
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/70179754/
I'm drawing a blank on anything else. Ok gotta call our agency and then try to book some flights, and, and, and.....
Love you friends!!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
We have a court date!!
Holy Cow!! We have a court date!! When were we submitted to court? Who knows??!! We are pretty much panicking and hyperventilating jumping for joy!
Our agency said that they could not, would not, submit us to court until our invoice was paid in full. Well, they did it anyways! So without any warning or expectation, we have to be in the Ethiopian courts in 2 weeks!
We still have to raise more money, both to pay the invoice and to travel. OH and not to mention, aside from some cute outfits and some wall art, we have nothing for Esther. No car seat, no shoes, no bed, nothing.
So please pray with and for us in this endeavor. Poor Ephraim will now miss his joint-with-friend birthday party because we have to be on a plane to Ethiopia. Sure, he is happy to get his sister but let's face it, he's 7. He was really looking forward to his birthday pool party.
I don't have time to write much, just please pray for us!!
Our agency said that they could not, would not, submit us to court until our invoice was paid in full. Well, they did it anyways! So without any warning or expectation, we have to be in the Ethiopian courts in 2 weeks!
We still have to raise more money, both to pay the invoice and to travel. OH and not to mention, aside from some cute outfits and some wall art, we have nothing for Esther. No car seat, no shoes, no bed, nothing.
So please pray with and for us in this endeavor. Poor Ephraim will now miss his joint-with-friend birthday party because we have to be on a plane to Ethiopia. Sure, he is happy to get his sister but let's face it, he's 7. He was really looking forward to his birthday pool party.
I don't have time to write much, just please pray for us!!
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Will you help?
I am proud. My husband is proud. We are proud and we do not like to ask for money. I was fine asking for money when I was going on a missions trip, that was to further the Kingdom. But to ask for money just so I can have a daughter? That seems selfish, financially irresponsible on my part and just weird. I don't mind giving you something in exchange for your donation, a t-shirt, baked goods, a crocheted item (the "t" is silent, I know it looks like crotchety :P). But to just ask for money outright?
I know some of you are reading this and might be offended and think that I am judgmental of your adoption fundraisers. Please don't think that. This is a personal problem. A pride problem. As I said earlier, God guided us to adopt our daughter, we responded in obedience. Only God can persuade you to donate money to us without expecting anything in return. Sure we will be grateful and send you a photo for your fridge but it's so hard for me to understand that you would be so willing to give.
Don't get me wrong, I am a giving person. One of my top love languages is gifts, I love giving gifts with thought and meaning. But receiving gifts makes me feel...uncomfortable...like I don't deserve it. Most of the time I do not. I do not deserve good friends and family who love me. I do not deserve a God who showers me with grace.
But our daughter, Esther, deserves the best chance that she can get and that is why we are asking. Asking you for prayer, asking you for emotional support and for financial support.
While we were in Ethiopia we witnessed people with disabilities, minor and major that were forced to beg for a living. People with deformed legs were crossing a dirty street by basically walking with their hands and dragging their body. Others with minor deformities were standing outside of our van knocking on the windows asking for food or money. Those that were able, sold things like gum and tissues. People such as those in America would be working at special farms or even at Walmart as a cashier. They would have happy, successful, thriving lives. While Esther's special need is not physical per se, she still has a label. Because of that label, she is not given the chance to develop and learn like an average Ethiopian 2 year old. Please understand that I am not criticizing Ethiopia, but merely explaining to you what I have witnessed. I love Ethiopia, it gave me my children.
So, my reason for this blog post, the 2nd one on the same day, fundraising. We are doing what is called an Envelope fundraiser. We have a virtual 200 envelopes, numbered 1-200, that's $1-$200. You choose the amount and donate it. If we get all of the 200 envelopes filled, it will raise $20,000. That's not all that we need, but it's a start. That will cover our Country fees and our Dossier fees. We need this money soon. Refer to my post earlier today about God making the impossible happen!
I will open up a Facebook event and you can keep track of our progress on there. I'm attempting to get an actual visual that I can put an X on an envelope that has been taken already. For now we will just keep open communication.
SO, where do you donate? Well, I have a paypal donate button over there to the right but I found a new place that you can keep track of our total progress https://fundly.com/bring-esther-home#_ and donate all in one! I had a bit of trouble figuring out what I was doing so I have our "campaign" page with a total of $37,000 and an end date of August 31, 2014 at this link and a "fundraiser" page (little link on the side of the campaign one) with our envelope total of $20,000 and an end date of December 31, 2013. It doesn't matter which one you donate to, they both go to the same pot.
--OR--
You can go to our Facebook event page here
1. Join the event
2. Choose which envelope you want, 1-200 and comment below which you are choosing. (I'm still working on a visual to cross off the amounts)
3. Go to https://fundly.com/
4. Send me your address so that I can send you a photo of Esther. (Ethiopia prohibits us from displaying her photo publicly until we have custody)
If you do not have Facebook, I will update which envelope you chose on there for you.
We love y'all and we are very excited to share our journey with you...again!
I know some of you are reading this and might be offended and think that I am judgmental of your adoption fundraisers. Please don't think that. This is a personal problem. A pride problem. As I said earlier, God guided us to adopt our daughter, we responded in obedience. Only God can persuade you to donate money to us without expecting anything in return. Sure we will be grateful and send you a photo for your fridge but it's so hard for me to understand that you would be so willing to give.
Don't get me wrong, I am a giving person. One of my top love languages is gifts, I love giving gifts with thought and meaning. But receiving gifts makes me feel...uncomfortable...like I don't deserve it. Most of the time I do not. I do not deserve good friends and family who love me. I do not deserve a God who showers me with grace.
But our daughter, Esther, deserves the best chance that she can get and that is why we are asking. Asking you for prayer, asking you for emotional support and for financial support.
While we were in Ethiopia we witnessed people with disabilities, minor and major that were forced to beg for a living. People with deformed legs were crossing a dirty street by basically walking with their hands and dragging their body. Others with minor deformities were standing outside of our van knocking on the windows asking for food or money. Those that were able, sold things like gum and tissues. People such as those in America would be working at special farms or even at Walmart as a cashier. They would have happy, successful, thriving lives. While Esther's special need is not physical per se, she still has a label. Because of that label, she is not given the chance to develop and learn like an average Ethiopian 2 year old. Please understand that I am not criticizing Ethiopia, but merely explaining to you what I have witnessed. I love Ethiopia, it gave me my children.
So, my reason for this blog post, the 2nd one on the same day, fundraising. We are doing what is called an Envelope fundraiser. We have a virtual 200 envelopes, numbered 1-200, that's $1-$200. You choose the amount and donate it. If we get all of the 200 envelopes filled, it will raise $20,000. That's not all that we need, but it's a start. That will cover our Country fees and our Dossier fees. We need this money soon. Refer to my post earlier today about God making the impossible happen!
I will open up a Facebook event and you can keep track of our progress on there. I'm attempting to get an actual visual that I can put an X on an envelope that has been taken already. For now we will just keep open communication.
SO, where do you donate? Well, I have a paypal donate button over there to the right but I found a new place that you can keep track of our total progress https://fundly.com/bring-esther-home#_ and donate all in one! I had a bit of trouble figuring out what I was doing so I have our "campaign" page with a total of $37,000 and an end date of August 31, 2014 at this link and a "fundraiser" page (little link on the side of the campaign one) with our envelope total of $20,000 and an end date of December 31, 2013. It doesn't matter which one you donate to, they both go to the same pot.
--OR--
You can go to our Facebook event page here
1. Join the event
2. Choose which envelope you want, 1-200 and comment below which you are choosing. (I'm still working on a visual to cross off the amounts)
3. Go to https://fundly.com/
4. Send me your address so that I can send you a photo of Esther. (Ethiopia prohibits us from displaying her photo publicly until we have custody)
If you do not have Facebook, I will update which envelope you chose on there for you.
We love y'all and we are very excited to share our journey with you...again!
We're at it again!
Ok so I know I'm terrible at updating my blog. Hopefully most of you are on Facebook and can see how well Ephraim is doing. In case you are not, he is doing fantastic! He started Kindergarten in August and is one determined little boy.
About mid-October, he was placed in the Power Reading group, so now he has a whole hour with the reading specialist and a half an hour with the ESL instructor. We work on letter and number recognition at home and while driving around. Yesterday we had a lazy Saturday. I told him on Friday that we were going to stay home and I listed the things that we could do together, among those were working on his letters and watching Papa play his video game, Disney Infinity, which Ephraim loves to do. Well he said that he will just work on his letters with me and not watch the video game because he needs to learn how to read!
Why does he want to learn how to read so badly? He wants to read to his sister.
Yup, you read that right, his sister.
Earlier this summer, our agency Holt, opened up their Ethiopia program to 50 previous Holt Ethiopia adoptive parents living in a branch state. Very specific, I know. There are new steps in the process and an open communication with them and previous experience are needed. They did this in hopes of "working out the kinks" so that they can completely open their program back up. For now, if you do not meet those guide lines, then they only accept you if you are adopting an older child (over 5) or a Waiting Child.
So, we decided to start the process again, thinking it would take a few years....
Then I started looking at the Waiting Child photolisting (duh duh duuuuuuhhhh). These are the children that don't quite fit into what those prospective parents have checked off on their "open to" list. Typically older children, siblings and special needs.
I saw the face of a sweet little girl with special needs. Chris and I requested her information and took a couple of weeks to pray about it. One Sunday morning during worship I began crying as I heard God say that He wants us to pursue the adoption. So, we let Holt know. About a month later (waiting on a new progress report to arrive via snail mail from Ethiopia), we were interviewed over the phone by on of Holt's social workers. It was less than encouraging. She made us feel as though we are horrible candidates for any adoption.
BUT two days later, we got the phone call. I couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but cry. You see, we never heard God proclaim (think deep ominous voice here) "You will adopt this child". We simply heard "take the next step". I knew that we were acting in obedience and that God would reward that some day, this side of heaven or the other.
I know that you are shaking your head. I know that you are thinking that this is crazy, we just brought Ephraim home 8 months ago, we can't possibly afford to adopt, yet alone fly to Ethiopia again so soon. I know that you are thinking that because we are too.
None of this makes sense without God.
Right in the middle of our "but God!" is a "but, God".
I went to the Women of Faith conference here in Kansas City and one of the speakers said something that will always stick with me. "God will not move unless it is impossible. If we are able to do it ourselves, then we don't need Him."
Well, it's impossible.
God must move.
I'll tell you how you can help very soon. Today is Orphan Sunday and we are launching a fundraiser tonight. But first, REgroup with families from church. Ta ta for now!
About mid-October, he was placed in the Power Reading group, so now he has a whole hour with the reading specialist and a half an hour with the ESL instructor. We work on letter and number recognition at home and while driving around. Yesterday we had a lazy Saturday. I told him on Friday that we were going to stay home and I listed the things that we could do together, among those were working on his letters and watching Papa play his video game, Disney Infinity, which Ephraim loves to do. Well he said that he will just work on his letters with me and not watch the video game because he needs to learn how to read!
Why does he want to learn how to read so badly? He wants to read to his sister.
Yup, you read that right, his sister.
Earlier this summer, our agency Holt, opened up their Ethiopia program to 50 previous Holt Ethiopia adoptive parents living in a branch state. Very specific, I know. There are new steps in the process and an open communication with them and previous experience are needed. They did this in hopes of "working out the kinks" so that they can completely open their program back up. For now, if you do not meet those guide lines, then they only accept you if you are adopting an older child (over 5) or a Waiting Child.
So, we decided to start the process again, thinking it would take a few years....
Then I started looking at the Waiting Child photolisting (duh duh duuuuuuhhhh). These are the children that don't quite fit into what those prospective parents have checked off on their "open to" list. Typically older children, siblings and special needs.
I saw the face of a sweet little girl with special needs. Chris and I requested her information and took a couple of weeks to pray about it. One Sunday morning during worship I began crying as I heard God say that He wants us to pursue the adoption. So, we let Holt know. About a month later (waiting on a new progress report to arrive via snail mail from Ethiopia), we were interviewed over the phone by on of Holt's social workers. It was less than encouraging. She made us feel as though we are horrible candidates for any adoption.
BUT two days later, we got the phone call. I couldn't speak, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but cry. You see, we never heard God proclaim (think deep ominous voice here) "You will adopt this child". We simply heard "take the next step". I knew that we were acting in obedience and that God would reward that some day, this side of heaven or the other.
I know that you are shaking your head. I know that you are thinking that this is crazy, we just brought Ephraim home 8 months ago, we can't possibly afford to adopt, yet alone fly to Ethiopia again so soon. I know that you are thinking that because we are too.
None of this makes sense without God.
Right in the middle of our "but God!" is a "but, God".
I went to the Women of Faith conference here in Kansas City and one of the speakers said something that will always stick with me. "God will not move unless it is impossible. If we are able to do it ourselves, then we don't need Him."
Well, it's impossible.
God must move.
I'll tell you how you can help very soon. Today is Orphan Sunday and we are launching a fundraiser tonight. But first, REgroup with families from church. Ta ta for now!
Monday, June 17, 2013
Ethiopia Trip #2 Gotcha Day
What is "gotcha day"? Exactly what it sounds like, the day we "got" Ephraim. It is a term widely used in the adoption community and the anniversary can be celebrated as much as a birthday. Often times in international adoptions, the child's birthday can be unknown, guessed or given by social worker. Gotcha days are a date you KNOW is accurate and are worth celebrating.
Let me begin by sharing ourlittle journey to our gotcha day. Saturday, February 23, 2013, we hopped on a plane from KC to Chicago to DC. We spent the night in DC (no sight seeing for us, we didn't leave the hotel!). The next morning we took the shuttle to Dulles airport and got on another plane straight to Addis Abeba, 12 hours. Not too shabby considering the last trip! Our plane landed on Monday morning around 8am Ethiopia time on February 25th. By 9am we were through customs with our visas, exchanged our money, got our bags and headed to the guest house.
While still in the states, we were given a vague itinerary of "day 1: spend a few hours with child. day 2: spend time with child and bring back to hotel..." and so on and so forth. WELL, we get to the guest house and the Holt driver turns around and hands us our itinerary, "day 1: 10am-12pm spend time with child. 12-2:30pm lunch on your own 2:30-4:30pm farewell ceremony at care center and bring child back to hotel with you" UH WHAT?! Um ok, not tomorrow, in an hour.
We were hoping for a night's sleep in a bed and a day of shopping without the rudeness of toting around our new child on the streets of Addis. Nope, sorry! It's like going into early labor.
"No, wait Doc, I still have to wash the crib sheets and hang up cute pictures!"
So we hurried up and took showers and got ready. Chris unpacked his backpack that he used as a carry-on to convert it to a day pack. "I think I got everything we need in there..."
There we are, about to REALLY be parents. I practiced the phrase "Nah-fih-keh-HAH-loh!", "I missed you!" over and over but when it came time to say it....I don't know if I was too nervous I would mess it up or just too choked up to talk so I just hugged and kissed him all over.
There were about five other families there but they were Italian so we didn't have much to talk about....
We played soccer (of course) and watched him play with the other kids as well.
I have a ton more photos from this day but I have to show discretion and not show other children.
After playing for a couple hours, we went to lunch at Yod (or Lod) Abyssinia. No show this time but still delicious food. :) We were picked up and taken back to Miskaye for the farewell ceremony. Often times children are put in a traditional outfit for this provided by the care center or sometimes parents. Whoops. I didn't even bring a change of clothes with us. He still wears those clothes.
The party started with music and lots of dancing!
He is a very serious dancer. Barely stopped once the music started and kept a serious face the whole time.
A party wouldn't be complete without coffee, cake and popcorn!
It was more like a slightly sweet bread than a cake but the kids loved it.
After the party food and a lot of dancing by all (there are kids in the photos of me dancing, oh darn), it was time for good-byes. The children formed a half circle around Ephraim. The tiny ones were dressed in yellow and black t-shirts and shorts, the older ones in red and black, the big ones, in whatever they were wearing. Then it began, the song. I knew it was coming. A friend shared her video with us so that we could see Ephraim. I had the camera, Chris the video camera. Again, I am so thankful for my large sunglasses.
"The time we had together, I will never forget forever. Thank you all my teachers, thank you all my supporters, thank you all my friendses. It was so you so precious, we will never forget forever."
I'm guessing on the last line but needless to say it leaves you bawling. These kids know this song by heart, they sing it so often and say goodbye to so many.
Once it is over, Ephraim gets three kisses from each child, one on each cheek and the forehead. There are many children and it goes on for quite some time. No one cries but us.
He gets kisses from all the nannies, these women who have been his parents for the past seven months.
After the kissing is done, they sing the song again and he walks straight to the van. Just like that. We are in the corner on the inside of the half circle of children. I quickly hug the children who's faces I have come to know from photos on my fridge and tell them that their Mama's and Papa's are coming soon. We rush to the van through the chaos and drive away. I am stunned and in shock. It is so very hard to process. I stifle my tears and hold my child. He has a face of excitement, wonderment and a bit of caution as we drive back to the guest house.
Once at the guest house we show him his things and attempt to communicate through a second language for both of us. He enjoyed the coloring book and car as we knew he would. And was kind of amazed that he got his own bed.
It wasn't too long before he fell asleep. The emotions of the day took a toll on him as well. He slept for three hours.
We had our dinner brought up to our room and ate at the tiny table while he slept. He was grateful for the burger and fries upon waking. What kid wouldn't? ;)
I'll leave you with some close-ups of the day.
There are still an estimated over 5 million orphans in Ethiopia alone. If you have questions, just ask.
Let me begin by sharing our
While still in the states, we were given a vague itinerary of "day 1: spend a few hours with child. day 2: spend time with child and bring back to hotel..." and so on and so forth. WELL, we get to the guest house and the Holt driver turns around and hands us our itinerary, "day 1: 10am-12pm spend time with child. 12-2:30pm lunch on your own 2:30-4:30pm farewell ceremony at care center and bring child back to hotel with you" UH WHAT?! Um ok, not tomorrow, in an hour.
We were hoping for a night's sleep in a bed and a day of shopping without the rudeness of toting around our new child on the streets of Addis. Nope, sorry! It's like going into early labor.
"No, wait Doc, I still have to wash the crib sheets and hang up cute pictures!"
So we hurried up and took showers and got ready. Chris unpacked his backpack that he used as a carry-on to convert it to a day pack. "I think I got everything we need in there..."
There we are, about to REALLY be parents. I practiced the phrase "Nah-fih-keh-HAH-loh!", "I missed you!" over and over but when it came time to say it....I don't know if I was too nervous I would mess it up or just too choked up to talk so I just hugged and kissed him all over.
There were about five other families there but they were Italian so we didn't have much to talk about....
We played soccer (of course) and watched him play with the other kids as well.
I have a ton more photos from this day but I have to show discretion and not show other children.
After playing for a couple hours, we went to lunch at Yod (or Lod) Abyssinia. No show this time but still delicious food. :) We were picked up and taken back to Miskaye for the farewell ceremony. Often times children are put in a traditional outfit for this provided by the care center or sometimes parents. Whoops. I didn't even bring a change of clothes with us. He still wears those clothes.
The party started with music and lots of dancing!
He is a very serious dancer. Barely stopped once the music started and kept a serious face the whole time.
A party wouldn't be complete without coffee, cake and popcorn!
It was more like a slightly sweet bread than a cake but the kids loved it.
After the party food and a lot of dancing by all (there are kids in the photos of me dancing, oh darn), it was time for good-byes. The children formed a half circle around Ephraim. The tiny ones were dressed in yellow and black t-shirts and shorts, the older ones in red and black, the big ones, in whatever they were wearing. Then it began, the song. I knew it was coming. A friend shared her video with us so that we could see Ephraim. I had the camera, Chris the video camera. Again, I am so thankful for my large sunglasses.
"The time we had together, I will never forget forever. Thank you all my teachers, thank you all my supporters, thank you all my friendses. It was so you so precious, we will never forget forever."
I'm guessing on the last line but needless to say it leaves you bawling. These kids know this song by heart, they sing it so often and say goodbye to so many.
Once it is over, Ephraim gets three kisses from each child, one on each cheek and the forehead. There are many children and it goes on for quite some time. No one cries but us.
He gets kisses from all the nannies, these women who have been his parents for the past seven months.
After the kissing is done, they sing the song again and he walks straight to the van. Just like that. We are in the corner on the inside of the half circle of children. I quickly hug the children who's faces I have come to know from photos on my fridge and tell them that their Mama's and Papa's are coming soon. We rush to the van through the chaos and drive away. I am stunned and in shock. It is so very hard to process. I stifle my tears and hold my child. He has a face of excitement, wonderment and a bit of caution as we drive back to the guest house.
Once at the guest house we show him his things and attempt to communicate through a second language for both of us. He enjoyed the coloring book and car as we knew he would. And was kind of amazed that he got his own bed.
We had our dinner brought up to our room and ate at the tiny table while he slept. He was grateful for the burger and fries upon waking. What kid wouldn't? ;)
I'll leave you with some close-ups of the day.
 |
| Selah, Avery and Keira, Gotcha Day June 11, 2013 |
 |
| Birtukan, Gotcha Day March 11, 2013 |
 |
| Zone, Gotcha Day March 8, 2013 |
There are still an estimated over 5 million orphans in Ethiopia alone. If you have questions, just ask.
Monday, May 6, 2013
We're hoooommme!!...now what?!
OK. Wow. Where do I begin? I realize that I have not updated since we went to go get Ephraim and I will share about our trip hopefully soon. Too often blogs are about all of the "happy" things that happen in an adoption. If we are facebook friends, this may confuse you. If we are family and you did not know, I was not ready to share. Please do not misunderstand me or my compassion for what E has gone through. He is an amazing child and I do not blame him for any "issues" we had or have.
I am brutally honest at times. Today is one of those times.
Our agency, Holt International has a magazine that they send out. I read an article in their most recent on (Mar/Apr 2013) titled "A Different Kind of "Mother's Day" Story" and it really struck home. I thought "wow, this is SO me" and I think it's time to share a bit of what's been going on in my life and in the Turner home these past two months.
While in Ethiopia, we all had an excitement about what was going on. The language barrier was...um HUGE. When we would attempt to read an Amharic phrase from our little book, we got a blank look most of the time. Not sure if it was because he did not know those words or if we were just saying it really badly! Thankfully, there was almost always someone to translate for us.
Once we got home....
If you read (or are now going to read) the said article, you may think I am copying her a bit, I am not, our experience really is that similar. We read countless books on adoption and the coping and grief and attachment issues that go along with it...BUT it was always about the child. We expected temper tantrums and were told to have "time ins" and to hug the child to reassure them we love them. OK, how about sulking because we made a slight correction or said "no"? And I mean sulking and jerking his head away if we attempted eye contact...for hours. So we tried a "time in" and hugging...oh wait, THAT'S where the temper tantrums come in! Have you ever tried to hug a 5 year old to comfort them and they flailed their arms and legs and screamed so loud and shrill that it hurt your ears? I have. Have you ever been rejected by someone that you tried SO hard to have in your life for SO long? I have. For "those that know", you're saying "he's grieving". That doesn't help a hurting heart that just wants to love and to be loved.
After about a week home while having dinner, we had what we call "an episode". While in Ethiopia, we were served mixed vegetables and he ate them up. So, when I went grocery shopping, I purchased mixed vegetables thinking he would love them. I also bought sweet potatoes and he drooled over them all week. So, we're sitting to dinner and he has some steak and a sweet potato on his plate. He is diving into the potato. I place a spoonful of mixed veggies on his plate and he protests. I say "just try" but soon realize that he doesn't understand that and said he didn't have to eat them (which he also did not understand)...but it was too late. He pushes his plate away. I flip out. I'm hurt because I bought them just for him and in my exhausted mind, his rejection of the veggies is his rejection of me. I yelled "fine! I'll take them off" and I took them off. But he was already crying. Chris tried to comfort him while I went into the kitchen, out of sight to sob uncontrollably. He would not be comforted. He went to bed with only a few bites of sweet potato.
We were still trying to co-sleep at that time...which means one of us sleeps in his bed while the other sleeps in our bed with him (due to his aerobatic sleeping). I volunteered to sleep in his bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning terribly sad and didn't quite know why. E was in a fantastic mood. I couldn't look at him without tearing up. I felt a horrible guilt. I kept thinking that I was not supposed to be his Mama. I turned on the TV so we wouldn't have to look at each other. Like I said, he was in a great mood, he snuggled up next to me in the chair. I wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep away the next few years. I finally fell asleep for about 20 minutes and when I woke up, I felt great. This happened off and on for the next couple of weeks. There was even a time when I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed after letting in the dogs with muddy feet.
I was not me. He wasn't letting me be his Mama. We simply co-existed. Once, he opened the garage door and was just hanging out in the driveway to "run away" from me. When I discovered this I became furious because he did not realize how dangerous it can be and I wanted to keep him safe...yet once inside, I wanted to throw him out the window and let someone else care for him. This was not the first time he had "run away" from me but it was the first time it was from the house. I had been on a roller coaster of emotions for the months leading up to getting him and I just wanted off! I did not even realize that I had only been on the kiddie coaster.
It's hard to gather my thoughts on this subject.
All of the books talked about how it can be difficult for a child to attach to new parents because they have been "passed around" for so long leading up to placement. The books didn't say anything about how parents will have trouble attaching to the child, especially an older child. Love at first sight does not exist. It is so very difficult to love a child that does not love you back. To love a child that does not let you comfort him, or hold him, or even play with him. I would force play with him, and while he seemed to be having fun, I felt like I was putting on a show and faking my enjoyment.
I had to force myself to engage with him. To give hugs and kisses. To play. To talk to. To do more than co-exist. I had to forgive myself each and every time I lost my temper or had thoughts of "maybe he would have been better off with someone else" or "OH GOD WHAT DID YOU LET ME DO?!". That self forgiveness (combined with a mild sleep aid from the Dr) brought so much joy to our home.
As my parents can attest, I am extremely stubborn. I believe God made me stubborn for so many reasons. You have to be stubborn to stay and thrive in a military marriage. You have to be stubborn to stick it out through a three year adoption process. And, Ephraim is really stubborn....but not as stubborn as me. He will wear his seat belt. He will not bite, kick, pinch, hit or spit at me while I make him strap in and stay strapped in (even if he didn't get his way and get the orange colored energy drink can).
Now, our home is full of giggles and singing and lots of booty shaking. Sure there are still some fits and crying and screaming but at least it's all him and not me! While I know it is petty, my heart lights up when he says "Thank you Mama" when I cook him dinner. Or when I tell him we have a soccer game later and he says "YES! YES!" and gives me a hug. Of course I do not expect it to last long but I love that he appreciates ME. He loves giving hugs and lots of kisses. The open expression of his love for me is helping me love him more and more each day. His ever expanding understanding of English is a huge factor in all of this. Most of the tantrums were over misunderstanding. While I cannot say we are "there" yet, we are feeling more and more like Mama and son.
I am feeling more like myself. I don't feelcrazy guilty ashamed anymore. There is so much more to this story, to my story but that may be for another blog, another day.
I am brutally honest at times. Today is one of those times.
Our agency, Holt International has a magazine that they send out. I read an article in their most recent on (Mar/Apr 2013) titled "A Different Kind of "Mother's Day" Story" and it really struck home. I thought "wow, this is SO me" and I think it's time to share a bit of what's been going on in my life and in the Turner home these past two months.
While in Ethiopia, we all had an excitement about what was going on. The language barrier was...um HUGE. When we would attempt to read an Amharic phrase from our little book, we got a blank look most of the time. Not sure if it was because he did not know those words or if we were just saying it really badly! Thankfully, there was almost always someone to translate for us.
Once we got home....
If you read (or are now going to read) the said article, you may think I am copying her a bit, I am not, our experience really is that similar. We read countless books on adoption and the coping and grief and attachment issues that go along with it...BUT it was always about the child. We expected temper tantrums and were told to have "time ins" and to hug the child to reassure them we love them. OK, how about sulking because we made a slight correction or said "no"? And I mean sulking and jerking his head away if we attempted eye contact...for hours. So we tried a "time in" and hugging...oh wait, THAT'S where the temper tantrums come in! Have you ever tried to hug a 5 year old to comfort them and they flailed their arms and legs and screamed so loud and shrill that it hurt your ears? I have. Have you ever been rejected by someone that you tried SO hard to have in your life for SO long? I have. For "those that know", you're saying "he's grieving". That doesn't help a hurting heart that just wants to love and to be loved.
After about a week home while having dinner, we had what we call "an episode". While in Ethiopia, we were served mixed vegetables and he ate them up. So, when I went grocery shopping, I purchased mixed vegetables thinking he would love them. I also bought sweet potatoes and he drooled over them all week. So, we're sitting to dinner and he has some steak and a sweet potato on his plate. He is diving into the potato. I place a spoonful of mixed veggies on his plate and he protests. I say "just try" but soon realize that he doesn't understand that and said he didn't have to eat them (which he also did not understand)...but it was too late. He pushes his plate away. I flip out. I'm hurt because I bought them just for him and in my exhausted mind, his rejection of the veggies is his rejection of me. I yelled "fine! I'll take them off" and I took them off. But he was already crying. Chris tried to comfort him while I went into the kitchen, out of sight to sob uncontrollably. He would not be comforted. He went to bed with only a few bites of sweet potato.
We were still trying to co-sleep at that time...which means one of us sleeps in his bed while the other sleeps in our bed with him (due to his aerobatic sleeping). I volunteered to sleep in his bed and cried myself to sleep. I woke up the next morning terribly sad and didn't quite know why. E was in a fantastic mood. I couldn't look at him without tearing up. I felt a horrible guilt. I kept thinking that I was not supposed to be his Mama. I turned on the TV so we wouldn't have to look at each other. Like I said, he was in a great mood, he snuggled up next to me in the chair. I wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep away the next few years. I finally fell asleep for about 20 minutes and when I woke up, I felt great. This happened off and on for the next couple of weeks. There was even a time when I locked myself in the bathroom and sobbed after letting in the dogs with muddy feet.
I was not me. He wasn't letting me be his Mama. We simply co-existed. Once, he opened the garage door and was just hanging out in the driveway to "run away" from me. When I discovered this I became furious because he did not realize how dangerous it can be and I wanted to keep him safe...yet once inside, I wanted to throw him out the window and let someone else care for him. This was not the first time he had "run away" from me but it was the first time it was from the house. I had been on a roller coaster of emotions for the months leading up to getting him and I just wanted off! I did not even realize that I had only been on the kiddie coaster.
It's hard to gather my thoughts on this subject.
All of the books talked about how it can be difficult for a child to attach to new parents because they have been "passed around" for so long leading up to placement. The books didn't say anything about how parents will have trouble attaching to the child, especially an older child. Love at first sight does not exist. It is so very difficult to love a child that does not love you back. To love a child that does not let you comfort him, or hold him, or even play with him. I would force play with him, and while he seemed to be having fun, I felt like I was putting on a show and faking my enjoyment.
I had to force myself to engage with him. To give hugs and kisses. To play. To talk to. To do more than co-exist. I had to forgive myself each and every time I lost my temper or had thoughts of "maybe he would have been better off with someone else" or "OH GOD WHAT DID YOU LET ME DO?!". That self forgiveness (combined with a mild sleep aid from the Dr) brought so much joy to our home.
As my parents can attest, I am extremely stubborn. I believe God made me stubborn for so many reasons. You have to be stubborn to stay and thrive in a military marriage. You have to be stubborn to stick it out through a three year adoption process. And, Ephraim is really stubborn....but not as stubborn as me. He will wear his seat belt. He will not bite, kick, pinch, hit or spit at me while I make him strap in and stay strapped in (even if he didn't get his way and get the orange colored energy drink can).
Now, our home is full of giggles and singing and lots of booty shaking. Sure there are still some fits and crying and screaming but at least it's all him and not me! While I know it is petty, my heart lights up when he says "Thank you Mama" when I cook him dinner. Or when I tell him we have a soccer game later and he says "YES! YES!" and gives me a hug. Of course I do not expect it to last long but I love that he appreciates ME. He loves giving hugs and lots of kisses. The open expression of his love for me is helping me love him more and more each day. His ever expanding understanding of English is a huge factor in all of this. Most of the tantrums were over misunderstanding. While I cannot say we are "there" yet, we are feeling more and more like Mama and son.
I am feeling more like myself. I don't feel
Friday, February 1, 2013
Ethiopia Day 3
It's been about two months since we've returned home from Ethiopia and as you know, it's taken me quite some time to blog about our short trip. Honestly I've been hesitant because it brings back so many emotions...especially our last day. Yup, already feeling it...
Wednesday started much earlier for me than the other days. I woke up around 4am and could not fall back asleep. I began thinking about all that had happened and what was to come and well, any mom's out there will know. Ever seen the movie "I don't know how she does it" with Sarah Jessica Parker? She visualizes a list of things that need to be done as she lies in bed...it was kind of like that. I heard music playing and I thought it was the cook preparing breakfast. (more on that later)
I pulled out my kindle around 5am. At about 5 till 6am, Chris rolled over and I told him what time it was...he looked at his watch, nope! 5 till 5am! I got up at 3am!!! Breakfast wasn't until 7am. Oy vey...
When we got downstairs I was talking with Mimi about my early morning and I mentioned the music that I thought was coming from the kitchen. She said "That was me!!, I couldn't sleep either, you should have come down and talked to me!" UGH! What a missed opportunity! Next time I'm seeking out the music!!
After breakfast we went up to Entoto. It's a mountain that has the royal palace (big fancy hut) of King Menelik II, just click on it to find out! :P We were unable to take pictures in the museum itself but we were able to take photos of the grounds.
Moges was awesome. Usually you have to ask if you can take a picture of someone, he asked to take a picture with us! Then he gave us his address so we could sent it to him. He started teaching me some basics of writing Amharic and I have the task of signing my name in Amharic when I sent the photo! Yikes!
It was so beautiful up there. No smog, no traffic, just lots of trees and fresh air! The mountain was covered in Juniper and Eucalyptus trees.
We were very high up as you can see. Addis is already 8,000 feet above sea level. Thankfully we didn't have to do too much physical activity. ;)
After our tour of Entoto, we went back to the guest house for lunch. After lunch, one last visit to Miskaye to see Ephraim. The director had told Ephraim that we would be there after lunch. So like any five year old, he thinks that as soon as he's done eating we will be there. We actually arrived about an hour after he ate lunch. We stopped on the way to buy some oranges and bananas (burtuken and muz) for the kids so that delayed us a bit more. The first two days he had been waiting for us to arrive. This day however, they had to search for him. The place is not that big so it wasn't difficult. They found him on his bed, he had cried himself to sleep because he though we were not coming. We were sitting on chairs when he came out. He was frowning and his shirt was wet with tears. He came straight to me and sat on my lap. I gotta admit, my new mommy heart went YES!
I wish I could show you the photos of his sad little face and then his happy face after he ate an orange! :P
We think he knew it was our last day because he was very cuddly and rarely left our laps (just like Zone with his parents the day before). We got out the photo album and I filmed as Chris went through each photo saying names as he repeated. Of course it was dead quiet until I turned the camera on! ha! Then we cuddled some more and he watched the videos we had on our camera. Some were of his cousins on our Florida vacation last April, he loved these! Then it got to videos we had taken there. I thought that as soon as he saw himself playing soccer he would go get his ball, nope. Same with videos of his batmobile, nope. He just stayed on my lap and watched.
When it came time for us to leave, I reluctantly passed him off to Chris and went into the office to try and get someone to tell him that we had to leave but that we would be back. I started crying as I walked to the office but some hilarious ladies in there cheered me up!
They offered me some food, looked like chunky salsa on injera so a very talkative (in Amharic) girl fed me a bite. (feeding someone a bite is a sign of respect, Moges said he feeds his wife every day :) ) I bit down and immediately felt the heat of the peppers in there and of course my eyes bulged and everyone laughed. Through hand motions, I told them my mouth was on fire and they thought it was hilarious. Then ANOTHER BITE! Oy! My nose started running and tears came to my eyes. One of the girls gave me a hello kitty tissue. Finally the manager got off the phone and I was able to stop eating the fire food.
She came with me and explained to Ephraim what was happening and I think he understood. He hugged and kissed us and I pryed myself away. When we got to the car I was crying but hoping my sunglasses covered it. I waved goodbye to Ephraim and then turned to the girls waving from the office and motioned that my mouth was still on fire. The laughter was a good distraction but it was so very difficult to say goodbye to my little boy. We blew kisses to each other until we pulled out of the gate and out of sight.
Yup, I'm crying. We are finally at the last stage and all we need is the go ahead to come get him and have our final interview with the US Embassy. We found out a few days ago that things may not have been fully handled properly by the original social worker that took Ephraim (as well as other children) into care. Nothing illegal but it will delay us (hopefully) only a couple weeks. The benefit is that now we will get a video of an interview of his birth mother (and yes, translated by either voice over or subtitles).
So there is day three and a small update of where we are now. Please pray for patience in us and for protection over Ephraim. There are some infections and parasites going around his care center and the sooner we can get him out of there, the sooner he can be treated.
Wednesday started much earlier for me than the other days. I woke up around 4am and could not fall back asleep. I began thinking about all that had happened and what was to come and well, any mom's out there will know. Ever seen the movie "I don't know how she does it" with Sarah Jessica Parker? She visualizes a list of things that need to be done as she lies in bed...it was kind of like that. I heard music playing and I thought it was the cook preparing breakfast. (more on that later)
I pulled out my kindle around 5am. At about 5 till 6am, Chris rolled over and I told him what time it was...he looked at his watch, nope! 5 till 5am! I got up at 3am!!! Breakfast wasn't until 7am. Oy vey...
When we got downstairs I was talking with Mimi about my early morning and I mentioned the music that I thought was coming from the kitchen. She said "That was me!!, I couldn't sleep either, you should have come down and talked to me!" UGH! What a missed opportunity! Next time I'm seeking out the music!!
After breakfast we went up to Entoto. It's a mountain that has the royal palace (big fancy hut) of King Menelik II, just click on it to find out! :P We were unable to take pictures in the museum itself but we were able to take photos of the grounds.
 |
| Our tour guide Moges in front of the museum
|
It was so beautiful up there. No smog, no traffic, just lots of trees and fresh air! The mountain was covered in Juniper and Eucalyptus trees.
 |
| A view from the top! Addis Abeba below
|
 |
| First Christian church in Addis |
 |
| The king's house |
 |
| The king's dining room, kitchen, grand hall with the guest house in front
|
I wish I could show you the photos of his sad little face and then his happy face after he ate an orange! :P
We think he knew it was our last day because he was very cuddly and rarely left our laps (just like Zone with his parents the day before). We got out the photo album and I filmed as Chris went through each photo saying names as he repeated. Of course it was dead quiet until I turned the camera on! ha! Then we cuddled some more and he watched the videos we had on our camera. Some were of his cousins on our Florida vacation last April, he loved these! Then it got to videos we had taken there. I thought that as soon as he saw himself playing soccer he would go get his ball, nope. Same with videos of his batmobile, nope. He just stayed on my lap and watched.
When it came time for us to leave, I reluctantly passed him off to Chris and went into the office to try and get someone to tell him that we had to leave but that we would be back. I started crying as I walked to the office but some hilarious ladies in there cheered me up!
They offered me some food, looked like chunky salsa on injera so a very talkative (in Amharic) girl fed me a bite. (feeding someone a bite is a sign of respect, Moges said he feeds his wife every day :) ) I bit down and immediately felt the heat of the peppers in there and of course my eyes bulged and everyone laughed. Through hand motions, I told them my mouth was on fire and they thought it was hilarious. Then ANOTHER BITE! Oy! My nose started running and tears came to my eyes. One of the girls gave me a hello kitty tissue. Finally the manager got off the phone and I was able to stop eating the fire food.
She came with me and explained to Ephraim what was happening and I think he understood. He hugged and kissed us and I pryed myself away. When we got to the car I was crying but hoping my sunglasses covered it. I waved goodbye to Ephraim and then turned to the girls waving from the office and motioned that my mouth was still on fire. The laughter was a good distraction but it was so very difficult to say goodbye to my little boy. We blew kisses to each other until we pulled out of the gate and out of sight.
Yup, I'm crying. We are finally at the last stage and all we need is the go ahead to come get him and have our final interview with the US Embassy. We found out a few days ago that things may not have been fully handled properly by the original social worker that took Ephraim (as well as other children) into care. Nothing illegal but it will delay us (hopefully) only a couple weeks. The benefit is that now we will get a video of an interview of his birth mother (and yes, translated by either voice over or subtitles).
So there is day three and a small update of where we are now. Please pray for patience in us and for protection over Ephraim. There are some infections and parasites going around his care center and the sooner we can get him out of there, the sooner he can be treated.
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